Intercultural relationships/marriage

Lilith · New Member Joined: 30 Nov 2008 Posts: 8

I need some advice everyone!

I have been dating a wonderful guy for the past year and he's not Armenian...

My family is definitely against inter-cultural relationships because of traditions and family values. My boyfriend comes from a very tight knit family and I love them very much...he's very close to his parents and I really adore that and I think that proves that he has family values and good morals instilled in him through his parents.

I want to tell my parents but I'm seriously afraid that they'll go crazy over it...what should I do?

Also, he's learning Armenian..he actually understands it very well because he grew up with Armenians.

Any suggestions?!

DOC · Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008

As long as it's not a Turk...nahmean?

DOC · Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008

Oh and a Jew.

MZZKEZINCH · New Member Joined: 28 Nov 2008 Posts: 12

girl if hes treating u right thats all that matters

Cupcake · Member Joined: 20 Nov 2008 Posts: 94

That's not all that matters.

MZZKEZINCH · New Member Joined: 28 Nov 2008 Posts: 12

yea but its a big part of the relationship

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

I know you said you're just dating but from it can be inferred from what you mentioned about family that you want to marry him. No surprise - most girls are obsessed with marriage. Rolling Eyes

Unless he drops hints that he sees you with long-term potential, I'd recommend that you start detaching now so that you can save yourself from more emotional pain in...say, about a year. Most love affairs last two years.

If you two actually do end up making that ultimate vow before God and have kids, they're not going to be Armenian. Do you understand? Children always take after their father's side if he's present in their lives. This is gathered from 30 years of observing multi-cultural families in various places in the world. Especially if they are boys - they do not want to take after their mother's side. I've actually witnessed a father try to encourage his 12-year-old son to take more interest in his maternal roots but the kid ignored it and continued only to associate with his paternal side.

It's about the surname. Personality-wise, we grow into the monikers we were given. Our last names define who we ultimately are.

So as a woman, if you continue to be with this guy, you must make the difficult choice between your loyalty to your blood or this "wonderful" guy.

Women will respect and defend their husbands' cultures. Men understand only war, and part of that is territoriality - which women are a means to. Right now he may be learning Armenian and peacocking for you, but when you're married his true colors will show. And I guarantee you that he will follow his father.

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

Here's a little test for the wonderful guy. If he asks you to marry him (if he's even that serious), tell him that you want your last names to be hyphenated. Watch his reaction closely.

Ridiculousaurus · Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

[quote="Ridiculousaurus"]

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

"starsandbucks wrote:
Here's a little test for the wonderful guy. If but"

^ meant to omit that part from the above post Embarassed

DarthVader · Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008

Love is blind but Armenian parents wear bifocals!

Advice on how to break it too your parents:

1) Direct approach: tell them everything about the guy, the way you see him, how you love him, etc, etc, and if your parents respect your decision then you’re set. If not, then you just have to work a little harder, deal with a little more BS, handle some family members who might just be too old and too old-fashioned to be happy for you (its a small price to pay for being w/ someone you love).

2) Indirect approach: Wait until he learns Armenian. Bring up topics in conversation with your parent's about people you know who married out of their culture and are doing well now as a married couple. Try to break them in slowly; there are so many ways in getting a person to change his or her mind about something. In essence, it’s a sales position you have applied for; selling the idea of your relationship to your parents...

Good luck!

poof be gone · New Member Joined: 25 Nov 2008 Posts: 4

Lilith · New Member Joined: 30 Nov 2008 Posts: 8

He's learning Armenian and we've also discussed marriage and children.

I've actually told him that I want a hyphenated last name and he completely understands and respects my choice. He also knows that I want my children to be able to speak, read and write in Armenian.

I definitely don't see it as a matter of marrying someone who has the same blood line...and I don't believe that by marrying an "odar" my marriage will shatter because besides my parents and maybe 1 couple, everyone else in my extended family has a failed marriage and I have a HUGE extended family.

I think I like Darth Vader's advice..thanks!

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

Darth Vader gave sound advice considering the circumstances.

But what I said still holds: with the way human society is structured at this time, your children will follow their father. I have seen this time and again and have no reason to believe your case will be any different unless you have some unusual circumstances. So if you have a heart, you will either not have any children, which goes against the "be fruitful and multiply" part of the Old Testament (but then again, a Catholic once told me the OT should be taken with a grain of salt), or let them be. It's hard enough to fit into two identities - why do you need to add a third dimension to the equation? If they get curious about their maternal identity when they grow up, they have the option of exploring it then, when their minds are more solid.

Or you can just not marry this guy anytime soon and see what happens - at the risk of heartbreak.

Please weigh the pros and cons carefully before taking any drastic action.

I still don't see why you should even think about marrying him. Even if you love him, marriage is about so much more than love, although love should be the deciding factor.

Lilith · New Member Joined: 30 Nov 2008 Posts: 8

Thanks Starsandbucks...I really appreciate your thoughtful responses..

Here's the thing though; I'm not very religious nor traditional. (I shouldn't get into this because it's going to open up room for a totally different topic)

I don't think I'll have any problems in the future with who my children take after. I hope that they will take the best from each of us (who ever my partner will be, whether they are Armenian or not). I completely understand where you're coming from as far as children taking after their fathers- trust me, I was with a guy for 3 years who unfortunately took after his abusive father. I think about this all the time and I wouldn't mind if my future children took after a man who is good to me and them. At that point, blood line wouldn't mean anything because what I would want is for my children to grow up to be good people and most importantly, happy people.

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

You sound like an intelligent person and your children will probably inherit your ability to live betwixt worlds. And there's no one who helps the world as much as a truly happy person. Best wishes & God bless.

*Shamiram* · Supreme Member Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 326

This thread tickles me Cool

With that said,

Lilith,

There are various points to consider... First, how strong is your personality? Be prepared for give-and-take, but also be prepared to buldoze your way through on some issues... Something else to consider: if neither party is terribly traditional, the child will have no definite culture. At least one of you has to be the cultural anchor in the family (and yes, that means the child will be MORE of one thing, and LESS of another in terms of ethnicity -- how willing are you to face your child NOT being MORE Armenian?). Once again, how strong is your personality? Wink

How well do you do when cut off from the world you've known? Be prepared to be ostracized in ways you've never imagined (just something to consider). Also be prepared to grow in ways you've never imagined. If you're lucky, as some are Smile

, your child will become a perfect amalgalm of the two parents, inheriting the absolute best from both, genetically, cognitively, and behaviorally. But how will you react when your child inherits traits or is brought up in ways you despise about the other culture (and there will be some). So once again, how strong is your personality??? What are you willing to give up? What are you not? What will you gain? How much of a survivor are you? (lol everyone thinks they're a survivor, so be real with yourself and don't assume you'll make it).... haha, so how strong IS your personality again? Razz

starsandbucks · Member Joined: 23 Nov 2008 Posts: 141 Location: Universal

I know the question, "How strong is your personality" was aimed at Lilith (pretty name, btw Wink

) but I'm gonna apply it to myself: I'm strong enough to keep my identity intact while at the same time accommodating the identity that my children will be adopting - which will no doubt be from the father's side. I wouldn't want my husband to give up his surname or compromise his identity for me. Strong individuals should be able to stand like a pair of trees whose branches may entwine but whose roots will stay separate in the same soil.....if that makes any sense.

And I've already been ostracized in every way and expect it to continue. While I had a loving childhood, at the same time I was raised to be self-contained...therefore peace in solitude is the air I breathe.

Lilith · New Member Joined: 30 Nov 2008 Posts: 8

Ultimately, I would want my kids to be happy. We're human before we're Armenian and we tend to forget that considering our history and culture. I love and embrace my culture and I know for a fact that my children will too, but I will not, I repeat, I will not impose any religion or tradition on them. They can appreciate whichever side they want as long as they're happy. What is the point of being alive and Armenian if you cannot enjoy your life?

I didn't plan on falling in love with an "odar" it just happened.

I have great love for my home country, but it's just pure love for it. I'm not going to instill fear in my children towards other cultures or other people. I've observed that many parents do that to their children, they make them fear to the point that they fear to love.

I may sound like a hippie..haha..but really, all I want is happiness and for my parents to accept my boyfriend.

My personality is strong enough to know that I will not make the same mistakes my parents did. I refuse to look at this in terms of me being a survivor, I refuse to look at this as a war between myself and my culture or my parents, thus, I will not label myself as a survivor. I know myself well enough to know that I want to be with this person, all I'm asking is how to break it to the parents in a better way.