Couples Jokes

Hijinx · Posted: 02/21/08

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an

hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can

there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your

worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or

troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to

give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my

father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

AND NOW THE BEST ONE!

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of

humor."!
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I guess i'll contribute some funny ones that was passed around at work thru email lol.

Enjoy.

Guest · Posted: 03/20/08

Just Married

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , Australia etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, cherry pie...but at the bar...you know...they have chilled glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a chilled glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she could barely hold it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, d*ckhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A$$hole?"

Guest · Posted: 03/20/08

lol

tikniik · Posted: 03/20/08

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

yurr married now dickhead, you aint going nowhere asshole.

rofll <3 tru dat (:

CuTTiE_PaTOoTiE · Posted: 03/20/08

loool this is too funny

Yasie · New Member Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 4

:D :D :D

LiquidSnakex · Posted: 04/04/08

I think "Hijinx" is getting married...
Thats why he is sufferin before marriage...
Goodluck dude !!!!

Guest · Posted: 04/20/08

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

tikniik · Posted: 04/21/08

^ LMFAO
wtf.

Don-Sevak · Posted: 04/22/08

Nice ones :D

Guest · Posted: 04/24/08

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

tikniik · Posted: 04/25/08

^ LMFAOOOOOOO.
but what was the man doing in the meantime when the two ladies were gone huh ?

exxxactly ! (: