It's about one-thirty in the morning and I still can't fall asleep. Three times, I had to turn the TV back on after the sleep-timer would shut it off. I figured I’d be sound asleep after the first time it turned off. Thirty minute intervals usually do the trick for me, but not tonight, it seems. I guess I shouldn’t have taken so many shots of vodka at the party earlier tonight. I can tell I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. “Ah, fudge it,” I said to myself, leaning over to pick up a cigarette off the coffee table. I put the cigarette in my mouth but I can’t seem to find my lighter. fudge! My lighter’s all the way at the other end of the table. The subtle light thrown off the TV screen helped me locate it. I sat up and picked up the lighter. I lit the cigarette in a sluggish manner. “Haziv, ara,” I said to myself, in relief.
As I take deep and long hits smoking the cigarette, I look around the living room, not paying attention to what’s on the TV screen. I try to clear my thoughts and keep tranquil, despite the fact that I know such a thing is nearly impossible for me. Lingering in the back of my mind are recollections of the events that took place a couple of hours ago. “Shit, man! I should’ve just fudge’ left! I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Esh khelkes, ara. fudge,” I said aloud. My cell-phone starts to vibrate on the table. I immediately thought to myself, “Who the fudge could this be?” I take my cigarette, half-finished, and rest it in the ashtray. I reach for the phone, taking a deep breath, and move it in front of me, facing my direction. I lean forward and look at the number. It’s an “unavailable” caller. fudge that, I’m not picking it up.
I continue smoking, wondering would-the-hell just called me and for what reason. I’m fairly confident it has something to do with the party earlier that night. I start to think, “Anybody who has my number knows that I don’t pick up calls from a private number.” The phone vibrates, yet again. I quickly pick it up and see it’s my buddy, Armen. So I answer the phone. “Alo,” I spoke, anxious to find out what he had to say. He replied, “Are you fudge’ crazy, man? What the fudge were you thinking? Do you know who those guys were?”
…to be continued (well, maybe…we’ll see)
C&C welcome. I'm sure I could use some advice.
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
someone's been watching too many american mid-century film noir flicks
definitely held my interest; do continue i'd go lighter on the descriptives though--hone in on what you want to stand out....
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
p.s. loving the armoness to it
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
LOLZ, Thanks, Lady. It's got the armoness because it's a true story...something that happened to me a while back. But, starting from the next paragraph on, I'll be writing fictionally.
btw...was the third paragraph better in terms of detail, as in just enough?...or was that too much also?
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
btw...It's my first time writing a short story in first-person...It's friggin harder than I thought it would be. lmfao
DOC Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 996 Location: US of A
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
I like this.
NO HOMO
_________________
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
lol
Chime in, dude. I was certain you, Darth, Sula, Nok, and even Bones would want to participate.
DarthVader Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Ya, I'm definetely gonna participate. I wanted to write a story about Vietnam a few months ago, along with some other stories I wanted to work on. A quarter of the way into the story I ended up changing my mind and started working on something else. I used to do that quite often, not so much any more. Anyway, now I just use those short stories as intro's for the essays I write in my English classes at college, haha. This is my post for this topic for now, I'll post some more later on.
Shots are fired on a dark and humid night deep in the jungles of Vietnam. A soldier, crouching on his knees, drops to the ground from the sharp pain he feels in his abdomen. Quickly shifting one hand from his automatic assault rifle, and placing it on his U.S. Army issued shirt which is rapidly soaking with blood. The young soldier wants to scream for help, but there is no one left to help him. The remaining men of his infantry unit were killed in a hail of gun fire directed at their position less than one hour ago. He grasps for air, and clinches the soil with his left hand, now completely without a weapon in arms, as he tries to bare the slow pain of what might soon be his death. He can hear a voice from nearby, a foreign language not understandable to the young 19 year old American soldier drafted to fight in a war, equally not understood. As he begins to breathe heavily, in….out…..in……out…….he slowly turns on his back, and sees a man watching over him as wolf to its prey. The Vietnamese soldier raises his Kalashnikov rifle, a Soviet made weapon of choice for the Vietnamese Army during the Vietnam War, as he looks through the open scope of his rifle, and begins to pull the trigger using his right index finger. The young man stares frozen at the nuzzle of the weapon meant to take his life...
DarthVader Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Dont shy away from any constructive critisizm dudes, and dudettes. I'm gonna be nice on this thread, I promise.
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
pssshhhhh wrote:
LOLZ, Thanks, Lady. It's got the armoness because it's a true story...something that happened to me a while back. But, starting from the next paragraph on, I'll be writing fictionally.
btw...was the third paragraph better in terms of detail, as in just enough?...or was that too much also?
it's better... try to alternate long and short sentences (i.e. maybe two long one short, one short one long, one short two long....build a rhythm)... also, you have a lot of random words that don't serve your purpose... choose words for their descriptive quality and edit out the rest... don't know if that makes sense....
lol asa kich xosa...meke lni indz uxi... lol .... i'll post super late tonight and i'll even let you gentlemen pick it apart *cringe*
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
Dont shy away from any constructive critisizm dudes, and dudettes. I'm gonna be nice on this thread, I promise.
how cute
see pointers above directed at our young mafiozi...lol... you two have the same writing style issues also, i would edit out the history lesson passages (the assumption is your audience would be familiar) ... oh, and as the reader, i was left wanting to know your hero at a deeper level; throw in some clues as to personality /mindset, etc..
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Sula wrote:
it's better... try to alternate long and short sentences (i.e. maybe two long one short, one short one long, one short two long....build a rhythm)
I hear you on the alternation part; they are somewhat too consistent. I'll try to get it down the next round.
Sula wrote:
... also, you have a lot of random words that don't serve your purpose... choose words for their descriptive quality and edit out the rest... don't know if that makes sense....
I understand what you mean, but I think it would be better if you could take an excerpt from my story and use it as an example...and possibly refine it. One or two sentences tops. It'll help me better understand what you're referring to.
Thanks for the help.
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
Dont shy away from any constructive critisizm dudes, and dudettes. I'm gonna be nice on this thread, I promise.
I think the story itself is written well. But, I think you need to fill in the gaps with more detail.
For example:
"A soldier, crouching on his knees, drops to the ground from the sharp pain he feels in his abdomen. His eyes feel heavier and heavier as tears began to distort his vision. His hands shake sporadically as he realizes he's been shot. He looks around to make sure he's not surrounded by the enemy. A silhouette of an armed man appears not so far in the distance, running towards him."
Post more, dude. I'm waiting for more critique on my story btw. What do you think about it?
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Ok, here's an example.... here's your excerpt....
pssshhhhh wrote:
I continue smoking, wondering would-the-hell just called me and for what reason. I’m fairly confident it has something to do with the party earlier that night.
Here's my revision....
"I take one hit, then another. My brain races, the pace of the purple puffs picks up. I wonder who-the-hell just called me? Why? For what reason? And then it hits me: it's got something to do with the bone-chilling party I had seemed to float through earlier that night"
Basically, I'm trying to use words that communicate feelings, moods, pace, intent, etc.... btw, props on taking pointers so well
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
I like that! I'm stealing it and putting in my next revision!
Okay, I see what you mean. As long as comments are valid, like those you've pointed out, I'm all cool with it. Like I said, I know I could use the help.
DOC Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 996 Location: US of A
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
pssshhhhh wrote:
lol
Chime in, dude. I was certain you, Darth, Sula, Nok, and even Bones would want to participate.
Alright I'll put one up soon as I have some more extra time.
Expect the unexpected
_________________
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
^^^Coolness. Hot and steamy gay sex story, I hope.
BIG_TIME_NO_HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lolz...it's funny. I can just feel it. Mindtrap's gonna pop in this thread and start with his Condescending-I'm-Better-Than-You-All self again.
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
pssshhhhh wrote:
^^^Coolness. Hot and steamy gay sex story, I hope.
BIG_TIME_NO_HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lolz...it's funny. I can just feel it. Mindtrap's gonna pop in this thread and start with his Condescending-I'm-Better-Than-You-All self again.
Hey, he can't do that!! that's MY line!! except i'm much cuter when i do that
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
The difference between you and him is the fact the whenever you reply with a negative comment, I just want to punch my monitor; when he does it, I just want to punch him.
i'd go lighter on the descriptives though--hone in on what you want to stand out....
