^^^ Darth, I believe you're more interested in the story line than in the writing with this one.... che?
DarthVader Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 606 Location: In me Rumpis Room!
Posted Wed Oct 22, 2008
Sham! My mind is off limits, please refrain from sneaking in. Thank you, and have a nice night...adios!
*Shamiram* Supreme Member
Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 457
Posted Wed Oct 22, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
Sham! My mind is off limits, please refrain from sneaking in. Thank you, and have a nice night...adios!
lol, duly noted...
DarthVader Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 606 Location: In me Rumpis Room!
Posted Fri Oct 24, 2008
Very well then.
Chillaxin_818 Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 342
Posted Sun Nov 23, 2008
pssshhhhh wrote:
It's about one-thirty in the morning and I still can't fall asleep. Three times, I had to turn the TV back on after the sleep-timer would shut it off. I figured I’d be sound asleep after the first time it turned off. Thirty minute intervals usually do the trick for me, but not tonight, it seems. I guess I shouldn’t have taken so many shots of vodka at the party earlier tonight. I can tell I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. “Ah, fudge it,” I said to myself, leaning over to pick up a cigarette off the coffee table. I put the cigarette in my mouth but I can’t seem to find my lighter. fudge! My lighter’s all the way at the other end of the table. The subtle light thrown off the TV screen helped me locate it. I sat up and picked up the lighter. I lit the cigarette in a sluggish manner. “Haziv, ara,” I said to myself, in relief.
As I take deep and long hits smoking the cigarette, I look around the living room, not paying attention to what’s on the TV screen. I try to clear my thoughts and keep tranquil, despite the fact that I know such a thing is nearly impossible for me. Lingering in the back of my mind are recollections of the events that took place a couple of hours ago. “Shit, man! I should’ve just fudge’ left! I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Esh khelkes, ara. fudge,” I said aloud. My cell-phone starts to vibrate on the table. I immediately thought to myself, “Who the fudge could this be?” I take my cigarette, half-finished, and rest it in the ashtray. I reach for the phone, taking a deep breath, and move it in front of me, facing my direction. I lean forward and look at the number. It’s an “unavailable” caller. fudge that, I’m not picking it up.
I continue smoking, wondering would-the-hell just called me and for what reason. I’m fairly confident it has something to do with the party earlier that night. I start to think, “Anybody who has my number knows that I don’t pick up calls from a private number.” The phone vibrates, yet again. I quickly pick it up and see it’s my buddy, Armen. So I answer the phone. “Alo,” I spoke, anxious to find out what he had to say. He replied, “Are you fudge’ crazy, man? What the fudge were you thinking? Do you know who those guys were?”
Part deux...
.....As soon as he said what he had to say, I abruptly buried the cigarette in my ashtray and replied, "I don't give a fck who they are. Nobody talks like about my brother." My anger took over as I slammed my fist on the table and said, "Tsave tanem ira. Et derants neman kaskatsoxnerin hasnuma! Fck 'em!" He replied, "I need to see you, right now. Can you be at the bar in 10 minutes?" Exhausted as hell, I told him, "Sure."
As I got up off the couch and started to dress, my eyes stood dead still on my late-brother's photo hanging on the left wall. I shook my head in despair and thought, "Oxormi, axper jan. Chegidem vonts anem, arandz kez hima." Dressed-up and ready to go, I grabbed my keys off the table and headed towards the front door. I slammed the door behind me and walked to my car. I got in the car and immediately opened the glove-compartment box. I grabbed the Beretta and loaded the clip. "Who knows, man; gotta be prepared," I said to myself.
As I drive down Woodman Blvd., my mind starts going into a frenzy. An ominous feeling came over me as I hit the gas pedal and sped up. With no concern for being stopped by the cops, I drove ferociously for a good two miles. A couple of minutes later, I reached my destination. I slowly turned down the music while pulling in to the parking lot. I thought the place would be packed at this time, but I only saw about ten cars in the whole lot. I don't see Armen's car anywhere. What the fuk is going on? Where's his car? I parked the car at the end of the building, underneath the glowing, gloomy bar sign. My phone rings. I quickly answer it. "Ur menatsir, enger?", Armen on the phone. I replied, "Stex em, durs e. Du ures? Mashnet cheka ste." The phone clicked. I stepped out of the car and noticed Armen comes out of the bar.
...meh...I can't make this story work anymore. It's starting to sound cheesy and I'm tapped out of ideas.
Whatever. lolz
*Shamiram* Supreme Member
Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 457
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
^^^Chill, sounds like you hit writer's block; happens to the best of us. I know what you mean about thinking it's sounding cheesy; I get that feeling all the time about my stuff.... just typical writer's insecurity, that's all it is... Btw, I love how descriptive you are, but you do get lost in the details sometimes... It'd be more impactful if you were to include only the most important descriptions (if that makes any sense)...
Mukik Supreme Member
Joined: 01 Nov 2008 Posts: 578
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
Real Talk wrote:
"Urumen ape, mi or mihat axchik tesa oo shuvutsri asi 'Kuro! Hela furra eresut tenam!'. Im kartsikov eti ira dura chekav. Ekav demus oo asets, 'Chuhaskatsa!'. Yese asetsi.. 'De Haskatsi!'. Vopshem mi kes jzham irar dem dimats zroots eynk anum minchev mekus haskanar. Yes asi es axchikan, 'TSAAAVUTTTTM TENEM! Ari mihat mer yan xorovats anenk yev xosank mer kyanki masin. Urumen im toona man eynk gali meke nukatesti vor mihat hetarkurkir uratsk uni shalvari mech.
Mutkis mech asestsi... 'VAY HORUS AREV ARA! HO ESI IM KARTSIKUS CHISHT CHI!?!?' VAY SURP SARKIS!!' Urumen hats kerank, oxi xumetsink, shoonis man tuvetsink, yev mihate coffee xumetsink. Arten hamperootsunus gnats. Asi suran... "KURO.... HAY ES DO, HAY EM YES!". Erevuma vor eli dura chekav. Eli asi, "Tsavut tanem, ERKU KURENK... ERKOOSNEH MI BOYEE!"
Eli voncvor dura chekav. Yese arten nadayel exa oo asi... 'Davay STOOTS AXCHI! GNANK HOME DEPOT MIHAT NOR DOOSH ARNENK!'. Esi indz gijz gijz nayuma. Asuma... 'VALOD JAN, INCH HOME DEPOT?!?'. Asi 'TAT MORUT HOME DEPOT AXCHI!!! ET HOME DEPOT!!!'
Aper mexe hasank Home Depot, oo arten gunumeynk depi 'Plumbing' department-a. Meke vor chutesa asi... HORUS AREV ARA!!!!!....."
to be continued....
8)
it was a guy wasnt it, wsnt it huh? telllllllll meeeeeeee nowwwwww it was a guy.......yuxkkk zzveliiiii
_________________ *~MuKiK~*
Mukik Supreme Member
Joined: 01 Nov 2008 Posts: 578
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
Chillaxin_818 wrote:
pssshhhhh wrote:
It's about one-thirty in the morning and I still can't fall asleep. Three times, I had to turn the TV back on after the sleep-timer would shut it off. I figured I’d be sound asleep after the first time it turned off. Thirty minute intervals usually do the trick for me, but not tonight, it seems. I guess I shouldn’t have taken so many shots of vodka at the party earlier tonight. I can tell I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. “Ah, fudge it,” I said to myself, leaning over to pick up a cigarette off the coffee table. I put the cigarette in my mouth but I can’t seem to find my lighter. fudge! My lighter’s all the way at the other end of the table. The subtle light thrown off the TV screen helped me locate it. I sat up and picked up the lighter. I lit the cigarette in a sluggish manner. “Haziv, ara,” I said to myself, in relief.
As I take deep and long hits smoking the cigarette, I look around the living room, not paying attention to what’s on the TV screen. I try to clear my thoughts and keep tranquil, despite the fact that I know such a thing is nearly impossible for me. Lingering in the back of my mind are recollections of the events that took place a couple of hours ago. “Shit, man! I should’ve just fudge’ left! I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Esh khelkes, ara. fudge,” I said aloud. My cell-phone starts to vibrate on the table. I immediately thought to myself, “Who the fudge could this be?” I take my cigarette, half-finished, and rest it in the ashtray. I reach for the phone, taking a deep breath, and move it in front of me, facing my direction. I lean forward and look at the number. It’s an “unavailable” caller. fudge that, I’m not picking it up.
I continue smoking, wondering would-the-hell just called me and for what reason. I’m fairly confident it has something to do with the party earlier that night. I start to think, “Anybody who has my number knows that I don’t pick up calls from a private number.” The phone vibrates, yet again. I quickly pick it up and see it’s my buddy, Armen. So I answer the phone. “Alo,” I spoke, anxious to find out what he had to say. He replied, “Are you fudge’ crazy, man? What the fudge were you thinking? Do you know who those guys were?”
Part deux...
.....As soon as he said what he had to say, I abruptly buried the cigarette in my ashtray and replied, "I don't give a fck who they are. Nobody talks like about my brother." My anger took over as I slammed my fist on the table and said, "Tsave tanem ira. Et derants neman kaskatsoxnerin hasnuma! Fck 'em!" He replied, "I need to see you, right now. Can you be at the bar in 10 minutes?" Exhausted as hell, I told him, "Sure."
As I got up off the couch and started to dress, my eyes stood dead still on my late-brother's photo hanging on the left wall. I shook my head in despair and thought, "Oxormi, axper jan. Chegidem vonts anem, arandz kez hima." Dressed-up and ready to go, I grabbed my keys off the table and headed towards the front door. I slammed the door behind me and walked to my car. I got in the car and immediately opened the glove-compartment box. I grabbed the Beretta and loaded the clip. "Who knows, man; gotta be prepared," I said to myself.
As I drive down Woodman Blvd., my mind starts going into a frenzy. An ominous feeling came over me as I hit the gas pedal and sped up. With no concern for being stopped by the cops, I drove ferociously for a good two miles. A couple of minutes later, I reached my destination. I slowly turned down the music while pulling in to the parking lot. I thought the place would be packed at this time, but I only saw about ten cars in the whole lot. I don't see Armen's car anywhere. What the fuk is going on? Where's his car? I parked the car at the end of the building, underneath the glowing, gloomy bar sign. My phone rings. I quickly answer it. "Ur menatsir, enger?", Armen on the phone. I replied, "Stex em, durs e. Du ures? Mashnet cheka ste." The phone clicked. I stepped out of the car and noticed Armen comes out of the bar.
...meh...I can't make this story work anymore. It's starting to sound cheesy and I'm tapped out of ideas.
Whatever. lolz
somebody finish the dammmmm storyyy dammmitttt im going crazy here reading this shit, i watch mafia movies all the time but none leaves me this psyched for more.,
u ppl need to realize that some of us have no patience, wen u tell a story, tell it all, we get all excited only to find out that it is "to be continued" who the eff came up with that "to be continued" shit neways ?
_________________ *~MuKiK~*
Mukik Supreme Member
Joined: 01 Nov 2008 Posts: 578
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
_________________ *~MuKiK~*
Chillaxin_818 Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 342
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
*Shamiram* wrote:
^^^Chill, sounds like you hit writer's block; happens to the best of us. I know what you mean about thinking it's sounding cheesy; I get that feeling all the time about my stuff.... just typical writer's insecurity, that's all it is... Btw, I love how descriptive you are, but you do get lost in the details sometimes... It'd be more impactful if you were to include only the most important descriptions (if that makes any sense)...
Sham, my story sucks; I know it, you know it. You don't have to lie to kick it. I realize now that I have to do a lot more research on first-person short stories before I attempt to make a fool of myself again. lol
Chillaxin_818 Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 342
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
Mukik wrote:
somebody finish the dammmmm storyyy dammmitttt im going crazy here reading this shit, i watch mafia movies all the time but none leaves me this psyched for more.
Feel free to finish it up yourself. lolz
DarthVader Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 606 Location: In me Rumpis Room!
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
I posted the intro to my short story on here, and it got deleted. WTF!
_________________ "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies;
for the hardest victory is over self."
*Shamiram* Supreme Member
Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 457
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
I posted the intro to my short story on here, and it got deleted. WTF!
I remember seeing it; are you sure it got deleted? Admin having a bad day again? lol
myleftnut Member
Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 113
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
back when i use to wear diapers, i pooped in them.
end.
i can has award for best short story?
_________________
DarthVader Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 606 Location: In me Rumpis Room!
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
myleftnut wrote:
back when i use to wear diapers, i pooped in them.
end.
i can has award for best short story?
Yes, you can. Here you go, you are the winner!
_________________ "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies;
for the hardest victory is over self."
Mukik Supreme Member
Joined: 01 Nov 2008 Posts: 578
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
Chillaxin_818 wrote:
Mukik wrote:
somebody finish the dammmmm storyyy dammmitttt im going crazy here reading this shit, i watch mafia movies all the time but none leaves me this psyched for more.
Feel free to finish it up yourself. lolz
my stories rnt that exciting man, just finish the dam thing already, turn it into some armo shit wer they fight and stuff lol
im waitinggggggg
_________________ *~MuKiK~*
DOC Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 1256 Location: No place in particular
Posted Mon Nov 24, 2008
I hope they use this.
I once ate a burrito
it gave me gas
I had a leak like a pipe gas
Pepto bismol couldn't help
So I ran to the nearest hospital
Hoping to score some capital
As I ran back to my crib
It exploded silently in my sleep
_________________ "The best thing about life is knowing that you put it together." - Trent Reznor
DarthVader Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 606 Location: In me Rumpis Room!
Posted Tue Nov 25, 2008
*Shamiram* wrote:
DarthVader wrote:
I posted the intro to my short story on here, and it got deleted. WTF!
I remember seeing it; are you sure it got deleted? Admin having a bad day again? lol
ya im sure.
_________________ "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies;
for the hardest victory is over self."
Chillaxin_818 Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 342
Posted Tue Nov 25, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
I guess it all began when I started to slowly open my eyes. Trying to lift what felt like a concrete block attached to my eyelids, sent spiraling into the ocean on a gambling debt gone wrong. I knew it wasn’t possible, I couldn’t be dead, and that couldn’t be my blood splattered on the side walk of a street with so many tales that could inspire a Stephen King novel. I heard voices now, and felt arms grabbing at me from all directions. Who were these people? What did they want? Sometimes the finer things in life come at the most unexpected moments. Little did I know, on that one dark and gruesome night, the finer thing in my life was a friend, who became a martyr.
Good evening said the voice, a tall and dark skinned man with a shaved head, while holding a badge that read LAPD. I grunted, then looked at his face, and then looked at my hands and saw tubes sticking through my veins. My first thought was life support. But hell, what the fudge do I care about life support, I’m alive aren’t I? I noticed a window to my left, fortunately for me the curtains were open, as I caught a glimpse of a sign that read Cedars Sinai Hospital right before the nurse closed the curtains, and walked out of the room. That is when it all came back to me, like a reflection of sun rays off a mirror blinding my eyes. I pressed my eyes together as hard as I could, trying to bare the pain of losing my closest friend of over 10 years. Soon I would learn to live with this pain, as it will become my cancer, which will be the source of many terrible actions following me into the future, and ultimately helping me regain some sanity, and revenge!
Darth, isn't the story you're talking about?...the one that got deleted?
