It's about one-thirty in the morning and I still can't fall asleep. Three times, I had to turn the TV back on after the sleep-timer would shut it off. I figured I’d be sound asleep after the first time it turned off. Thirty minute intervals usually do the trick for me, but not tonight, it seems. I guess I shouldn’t have taken so many shots of vodka at the party earlier tonight. I can tell I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. “Ah, fudge it,” I said to myself, leaning over to pick up a cigarette off the coffee table. I put the cigarette in my mouth but I can’t seem to find my lighter. fudge! My lighter’s all the way at the other end of the table. The subtle light thrown off the TV screen helped me locate it. I sat up and picked up the lighter. I lit the cigarette in a sluggish manner. “Haziv, ara,” I said to myself, in relief.
As I take deep and long hits smoking the cigarette, I look around the living room, not paying attention to what’s on the TV screen. I try to clear my thoughts and keep tranquil, despite the fact that I know such a thing is nearly impossible for me. Lingering in the back of my mind are recollections of the events that took place a couple of hours ago. “Shit, man! I should’ve just fudge’ left! I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Esh khelkes, ara. fudge,” I said aloud. My cell-phone starts to vibrate on the table. I immediately thought to myself, “Who the fudge could this be?” I take my cigarette, half-finished, and rest it in the ashtray. I reach for the phone, taking a deep breath, and move it in front of me, facing my direction. I lean forward and look at the number. It’s an “unavailable” caller. fudge that, I’m not picking it up.
I continue smoking, wondering would-the-hell just called me and for what reason. I’m fairly confident it has something to do with the party earlier that night. I start to think, “Anybody who has my number knows that I don’t pick up calls from a private number.” The phone vibrates, yet again. I quickly pick it up and see it’s my buddy, Armen. So I answer the phone. “Alo,” I spoke, anxious to find out what he had to say. He replied, “Are you fudge’ crazy, man? What the fudge were you thinking? Do you know who those guys were?”
…to be continued (well, maybe…we’ll see)
C&C welcome. I'm sure I could use some advice.
I like your writing style. The only thing I would suggest is try not to switch bsck and forth from present to past tense. It is not very easy to catch when you are writing, and its hard to stick with one, but many an english teacher drilled this into me when I was writing stories.
(Example: "I can tell I won’t(present tense) be sleeping anytime soon. “Ah, fudge it,” I said(past tense)to myself, leaning over to pick up a cigarette off the coffee table.")
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
Thanks, MyLeftFoot (Sounds like an Indian name...hehe).
Yeah, I was having a tough time figuring out how to put in dialogue. Am I supposed to write "blah blah," I said?...or just "blah blah"...or what?
I also noticed the whole past and present tense issue, but chose to ignore it.
Man, I should've just wrote it in third-person...lol
Sula Guest
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
^^^Hmm. Interesting observations. I see there's no escaping the SEMI-autobiographical element to the plot since you boys keep demanding details. It's a fine line between fact and fiction, gentlemen; we'll see if I can't walk it
efff youu Guest
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
here's my short story..
Once upon a time I effed you and you got pregnant and ruined my life.
The end.
myleftfoot Supreme Member
Joined: 12 Jul 2008 Posts: 1124
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
efff youu wrote:
here's my short story..
Once upon a time I effed you and you got pregnant and ruined my life.
The end.
Woah. That was deep,
myleftfoot Supreme Member
Joined: 12 Jul 2008 Posts: 1124
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
Sula. Very nice. Your descriptions are awesome. I like this part the best:
The air stood still. Time paused. And in an instant, a whirl of images: their land, their street, his eyes, her hair, the sweetness of the summer strawberries, the ripe sensuality of the peach trees in the fall.
Sula Guest
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
myleftfoot wrote:
Sula. Very nice. Your descriptions are awesome. I like this part the best:
The air stood still. Time paused. And in an instant, a whirl of images: their land, their street, his eyes, her hair, the sweetness of the summer strawberries, the ripe sensuality of the peach trees in the fall.
thanks...i was going to go deeper but it suddenly felt like i was writing a cheesy romance novel so i stopped!
DarthVader Guest
Posted Tue Sep 23, 2008
I guess it all began when I started to slowly open my eyes. Trying to lift what felt like a concrete block attached to my eyelids, sent spiraling into the ocean on a gambling debt gone wrong. I knew it wasn’t possible, I couldn’t be dead, and that couldn’t be my blood splattered on the side walk of a street with so many tales that could inspire a Stephen King novel. I heard voices now, and felt arms grabbing at me from all directions. Who were these people? What did they want? Sometimes the finer things in life come at the most unexpected moments. Little did I know, on that one dark and gruesome night, the finer thing in my life was a friend, who became a martyr.
Good evening said the voice, a tall and dark skinned man with a shaved head, while holding a badge that read LAPD. I grunted, then looked at his face, and then looked at my hands and saw tubes sticking through my veins. My first thought was life support. But hell, what the fudge do I care about life support, I’m alive aren’t I? I noticed a window to my left, fortunately for me the curtains were open, as I caught a glimpse of a sign that read Cedars Sinai Hospital right before the nurse closed the curtains, and walked out of the room. That is when it all came back to me, like a reflection of sun rays off a mirror blinding my eyes. I pressed my eyes together as hard as I could, trying to bare the pain of losing my closest friend of over 10 years. Soon I would learn to live with this pain, as it will become my cancer, which will be the source of many terrible actions following me into the future, and ultimately helping me regain some sanity, and revenge!
Ms. Sula Guest
Posted Tue Sep 23, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
I guess it all began when I started to slowly open my eyes. Trying to lift what felt like a concrete block attached to my eyelids, sent spiraling into the ocean on a gambling debt gone wrong. I knew it wasn’t possible, I couldn’t be dead, and that couldn’t be my blood splattered on the side walk of a street with so many tales that could inspire a Stephen King novel. I heard voices now, and felt arms grabbing at me from all directions. Who were these people? What did they want? Sometimes the finer things in life come at the most unexpected moments. Little did I know, on that one dark and gruesome night, the finer thing in my life was a friend, who became a martyr.
Good evening said the voice, a tall and dark skinned man with a shaved head, while holding a badge that read LAPD. I grunted, then looked at his face, and then looked at my hands and saw tubes sticking through my veins. My first thought was life support. But hell, what the fudge do I care about life support, I’m alive aren’t I? I noticed a window to my left, fortunately for me the curtains were open, as I caught a glimpse of a sign that read Cedars Sinai Hospital right before the nurse closed the curtains, and walked out of the room. That is when it all came back to me, like a reflection of sun rays off a mirror blinding my eyes. I pressed my eyes together as hard as I could, trying to bare the pain of losing my closest friend of over 10 years. Soon I would learn to live with this pain, as it will become my cancer, which will be the source of many terrible actions following me into the future, and ultimately helping me regain some sanity, and revenge!
love the descriptive language; very raw and "real" quality to it... the language gets heavy at times though.... try sprinkling it with lighter, shorter sentences.... really try to edit out unnecessary language.... i also love the "intro" vibe --except that i wouldn't give away the plot/ending in your last line... how about phrasing it as a question instead : "would I learn to live with this pain? or would it become my cancer--an unstoppable chain of terrible acts? or perhaps it would be my savior--a path back to sanity? and revenge?"
DarthVader Guest
Posted Tue Sep 23, 2008
Cool, thanks for the feedback.
Real Talk Supreme Member
Joined: 01 Aug 2008 Posts: 324
Posted Tue Sep 23, 2008
"Urumen ape, mi or mihat axchik tesa oo shuvutsri asi 'Kuro! Hela furra eresut tenam!'. Im kartsikov eti ira dura chekav. Ekav demus oo asets, 'Chuhaskatsa!'. Yese asetsi.. 'De Haskatsi!'. Vopshem mi kes jzham irar dem dimats zroots eynk anum minchev mekus haskanar. Yes asi es axchikan, 'TSAAAVUTTTTM TENEM! Ari mihat mer yan xorovats anenk yev xosank mer kyanki masin. Urumen im toona man eynk gali meke nukatesti vor mihat hetarkurkir uratsk uni shalvari mech.
Mutkis mech asestsi... 'VAY HORUS AREV ARA! HO ESI IM KARTSIKUS CHISHT CHI!?!?' VAY SURP SARKIS!!' Urumen hats kerank, oxi xumetsink, shoonis man tuvetsink, yev mihate coffee xumetsink. Arten hamperootsunus gnats. Asi suran... "KURO.... HAY ES DO, HAY EM YES!". Erevuma vor eli dura chekav. Eli asi, "Tsavut tanem, ERKU KURENK... ERKOOSNEH MI BOYEE!"
Eli voncvor dura chekav. Yese arten nadayel exa oo asi... 'Davay STOOTS AXCHI! GNANK HOME DEPOT MIHAT NOR DOOSH ARNENK!'. Esi indz gijz gijz nayuma. Asuma... 'VALOD JAN, INCH HOME DEPOT?!?'. Asi 'TAT MORUT HOME DEPOT AXCHI!!! ET HOME DEPOT!!!'
Aper mexe hasank Home Depot, oo arten gunumeynk depi 'Plumbing' department-a. Meke vor chutesa asi... HORUS AREV ARA!!!!!....."
to be continued....
8)
_________________
wazdahell Guest
Posted Tue Sep 23, 2008
vai ara..mi asa martah? vaxkk
Sula Guest
Posted Tue Sep 23, 2008
lol RealTalk..... cute
eyOjuiCy Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jun 2008 Posts: 1738
Posted Thu Oct 16, 2008
Tickling salty substance falling on me. Slowly but precisely falling on the same spot. Its driving me insane. Same pair of eyes surround me, stare me down, follow me. That too drives me insane. Now im trapped in a steel box full of wonder, but i cant move forward any longer. My fingers play their song, my legs sing along...but im still clueless. Where is this taking me ? Where am i going ? im a prisoner in my own body.
bright flash of light blinds me. I cant see now, or was it always like this and i only imagined seeing ? is it a curse to see, to believe, to be, whatever is left of me? those voices are teasing me. as if daring for me to move, move a muscle, give a wink. i dont dare to even breathe. Trapped in the same place, its either them hurting me, or its myself. which is worse...i still cant tell.
*plop* *plop* *plop* its starting to burn. but it has expanded from a spot to the whole. a snake like figure, crawling inside my head. like a rodent eating away my nerve cells, but i feel them still. No, it cant be them. It has to be me. Ive been killing myself with my own will . with my thin, tree twigged fingers that arc into a semi circle when in pain. with my own train of thought that has left the station while back ago. with my own, my own disgust and hatred of me, not seeing myself anymore. Not willing to see anymore, not wanting, not needing.
_________________ & im something exotic, yurr juss plain&simple. herez a ladder dawg, now step yurr game up !
Real Talk Supreme Member
Joined: 01 Aug 2008 Posts: 324
Posted Thu Oct 16, 2008
my story = classic.
_________________
eyOjuiCy Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jun 2008 Posts: 1738
Posted Fri Oct 17, 2008
no -_-
_________________ & im something exotic, yurr juss plain&simple. herez a ladder dawg, now step yurr game up !
lefty Guest
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008
Once upon a time there was a kid who accidently sharted in his pants in the middle of class. Everybody laughed at him. He left and never came back.
end.
*Shamiram* Supreme Member
Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 457
Posted Wed Oct 22, 2008
MEN OF HONOR
One had invited the other. The other had come.
Was it a testament to Fate, a reflection of the idiocy of human nature, a nod to whimsy, or a deep expression of their love for her? The thought both amused and terrified her. She chased it away, and now stopped just outside the patio door, drinks in hand, afraid to approach.
Under the ancient, imposing oak tree, amid the comical pastels of her roses, stood two tall, imposing men, Past and Future, slowly puffing away at their smokes, with the characteristic charisma she had admired in each. The man with the stogie squinted, and the one with the slims shot a fiery glance back. They exchanged a wry, knowing smile, and as if on cue, both now turned to acknowledge her presence.
"Am I interrupting?" she smiled in her characteristically taunting manner, "You two looked terribly intimate for a moment".
It was her way to make light of it. They knew it well. Neither man answered and, as she handed them their drinks, both raised their glass, first to her, then to each other.
Both men now studied her. The light in their eyes mocked her. The roses mocked her. The imposing oak she loved so well seemed to suddenly stoop down, encircle her in its ancient judgment. Her confidence gave way to palor, and Past and Future both made a sudden move forward, as if to catch her if the ground gave way from under her. She turned sharply and walked back in, conscious of their worried gaze.
Was it a testament to Fate, a reflection of the idiocy of human nature, a nod to whimsy, or a deep expression of their love for her? The thought both amused and terrified her. She chased it away, and now stopped just outside the patio door, drinks in hand, afraid to approach.
Under the ancient, imposing oak tree, amid the comical pastels of her roses, stood two tall, imposing men, Past and Future, slowly puffing away at their smokes, with the characteristic charisma she had admired in each. The man with the stogie squinted, and the one with the slims shot a fiery glance back. They exchanged a wry, knowing smile, and as if on cue, both now turned to acknowledge her presence.
"Am I interrupting?" she smiled in her characteristically taunting manner, "You two looked terribly intimate for a moment".
It was her way to make light of it. They knew it well. Neither man answered and, as she handed them their drinks, both raised their glass, first to her, then to each other.
Both men now studied her. The light in their eyes mocked her. The roses mocked her. The imposing oak she loved so well seemed to suddenly stoop down, encircle her in its ancient judgment. Her confidence gave way to palor, and Past and Future both made a sudden move forward, as if to catch her if the ground gave way from under her. She turned sharply and walked back in, conscious of their worried gaze.
not bad, a little mysterious and sexual without over doing it. i would love to see where u take it from there
_________________ These are my gates. I control the flow through them.
DarthVader Supreme Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 606 Location: In me Rumpis Room!
Posted Wed Oct 22, 2008
*Shamiram* wrote:
MEN OF HONOR
One had invited the other. The other had come.
Was it a testament to Fate, a reflection of the idiocy of human nature, a nod to whimsy, or a deep expression of their love for her? The thought both amused and terrified her. She chased it away, and now stopped just outside the patio door, drinks in hand, afraid to approach.
Under the ancient, imposing oak tree, amid the comical pastels of her roses, stood two tall, imposing men, Past and Future, slowly puffing away at their smokes, with the characteristic charisma she had admired in each. The man with the stogie squinted, and the one with the slims shot a fiery glance back. They exchanged a wry, knowing smile, and as if on cue, both now turned to acknowledge her presence.
"Am I interrupting?" she smiled in her characteristically taunting manner, "You two looked terribly intimate for a moment".
It was her way to make light of it. They knew it well. Neither man answered and, as she handed them their drinks, both raised their glass, first to her, then to each other.
Both men now studied her. The light in their eyes mocked her. The roses mocked her. The imposing oak she loved so well seemed to suddenly stoop down, encircle her in its ancient judgment. Her confidence gave way to palor, and Past and Future both made a sudden move forward, as if to catch her if the ground gave way from under her. She turned sharply and walked back in, conscious of their worried gaze.
