The difference between you and him is the fact the whenever you reply with a negative comment, I just want to punch my monitor; when he does it, I just want to punch him.
Ah yes.... I tend to elicit fits of despairing powerlessness in men (j/p)
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
lolz...I'm just kidding. I don't want to punch my monitor or punch him, I just want to go postal at a neighborhood youth center.
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
pssshhhhh wrote:
lolz...I'm just kidding. I don't want to punch my monitor or punch him, I just want to go postal at a neighborhood youth center.
as long as it's not community mental health clinics, i'm good with that... lol
dude, you got us wayyy off topic.... go finish your story!!
DarthVader Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
pssshhhhh wrote:
DarthVader wrote:
Dont shy away from any constructive critisizm dudes, and dudettes. I'm gonna be nice on this thread, I promise.
I think the story itself is written well. But, I think you need to fill in the gaps with more detail.
For example:
"A soldier, crouching on his knees, drops to the ground from the sharp pain he feels in his abdomen. His eyes feel heavier and heavier as tears began to distort his vision. His hands shake sporadically as he realizes he's been shot. He looks around to make sure he's not surrounded by the enemy. A silhouette of an armed man appears not so far in the distance, running towards him."
Post more, dude. I'm waiting for more critique on my story btw. What do you think about it?
Reading your story gave me de javu..lol...good story. I would like to see the continuation of it though.
I need to finish up with studying for tests this week, I'll post my thoughts on your story late tonight.
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
mehhh...I'll wait 'til others join and then I'll be motivated enough to finish it.
lol
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Thanks, Darth. Curious to see what you'll cook up.
DarthVader Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Sula wrote:
DarthVader wrote:
Dont shy away from any constructive critisizm dudes, and dudettes. I'm gonna be nice on this thread, I promise.
how cute
see pointers above directed at our young mafiozi...lol... you two have the same writing style issues also, i would edit out the history lesson passages (the assumption is your audience would be familiar) ... oh, and as the reader, i was left wanting to know your hero at a deeper level; throw in some clues as to personality /mindset, etc..
Got it! Can I call you teacher? I have a thing for women who teach, its just something Im born with, I think.
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
i ain't no teacher, lol... but the kids do call me Ms. lol
DOC Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 1256 Location: No place in particular
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Sula wrote:
i ain't no teacher, lol... but the kids do call me Ms. lol
They call you Ms. LOL? They call me Mr. ROFL.
_________________ "The best thing about life is knowing that you put it together." - Trent Reznor
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
DOC wrote:
Sula wrote:
i ain't no teacher, lol... but the kids do call me Ms. lol
They call you Ms. LOL? They call me Mr. ROFL.
I meant "Ms." !!! lol... although as much as I laugh....lol... they probably should....
DOC Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 1256 Location: No place in particular
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Sula wrote:
DOC wrote:
Sula wrote:
i ain't no teacher, lol... but the kids do call me Ms. lol
They call you Ms. LOL? They call me Mr. ROFL.
I meant "Ms." !!! lol... although as much as I laugh....lol... they probably should....
You are a funnies!
*pause*
NOT!
I jhoke.
_________________ "The best thing about life is knowing that you put it together." - Trent Reznor
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
^^ meanie poor Sula
DOC Supreme Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 1256 Location: No place in particular
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Sula wrote:
^^ meanie poor Sula
I build you up then I put you down!
Can I be your patient please?
_________________ "The best thing about life is knowing that you put it together." - Trent Reznor
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
DOC wrote:
Sula wrote:
^^ meanie poor Sula
I build you up then I put you down!
Can I be your patient please?
lol Sounds like someone's been playing "doctor" !
Sula Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Anonymous wrote:
DOC wrote:
Sula wrote:
^^ meanie poor Sula
I build you up then I put you down!
Can I be your patient please?
lol Sounds like someone's been playing "doctor" !
p.s. and not with me! lol
Sulamita Guest
Posted Sun Sep 21, 2008
Ok, gentlemen, here's a start on my story.... criticism from writers welcome
She lay flat on the hot stone, her bare shoulders sizzling in the scorch of the angry Armenian sun. High above Yerevan, overlooking the glimmering white steps of the barren, waterless Cascade, she centered herself on the narrow stone balustrade, and opened her eyes. So perilously perched between the earth and the sky, only a fast fall away from a certain death, it was the safest she had felt in years.
The air stood still. Time paused. And in an instant, a whirl of images: their land, their street, his eyes, her hair, the sweetness of the summer strawberries, the ripe sensuality of the peach trees in the fall…
Suddenly, she felt his hand on hers. In one athlete’s motion, he pulled her down and her feet rested firmly on the ground, two seconds before her impending plunge into the abyss of the Cascade.
With a girlish innocence she hadn’t known, she threw her arms around the angular bend of his neck.
“I missed you so much”… her words rang strangely sweet and pure, like her mother’s apricot preserves.
“You think I haven’t missed you?” His voice was deep and mournful. “Don’t you know you were my first love?” His boyish smile froze...
She felt his arms tighten around her waist, felt the jagged edges of his tall frame as she balanced herself against it, felt his kiss on her lips…
“This is what it must feel like to love on Armenian soil”, she thought. And suddenly, there was nothing to say, nothing to do, nowhere to go, no place to hide. She pulled away.
“If only your father hadn’t taken you away”, she heard his voice as if from beyond the imaginary divide that cuts into the Arax at the border with Iran. So near and yet unreachable, it was sure and steady, rising with an unstoppable energy she knew too well,
“If only he… I would have taken you away from all this, I would have married you…”… and his words crashed into the dry hot cement with the fury of a million shards of glass.
I would have liked some more details into the relationship of the guy and the girl. Was is forbiden by her father, if so why? Whats the connection with her feeling like shes falling in the abyss when he holds her hand, abyss of love?
Sula Guest
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
DarthVader wrote:
Nice, interesting, provocative.
I would have liked some more details into the relationship of the guy and the girl. Was is forbiden by her father, if so why? Whats the connection with her feeling like shes falling in the abyss when he holds her hand, abyss of love?
You do catch on, don't you? lol but you're impatient ; some of what you're asking is in the second half... I do agree though that I could use more details about their relationship in the first half... I was debating to myself how controversial I wanted to get with the story line lol But I'll revise accordingly....
pssshhhhh Guest
Posted Mon Sep 22, 2008
Sula, It was an interesting read, for sure. I really dig the first paragraph. I liked the way you described the time, the mood, and the environment. Like Darth mentioned, I too would've liked some more info on the father and how he ties in to all of this. It's obvious he plays a big role in this story. But, hey, I'm also impatient, so don't mind me...lol
btw...one thing that would've been cool is if you were to describe her facial expression right before she pulled away.
(j/p) 
poor Sula 